First of all I would like to share a great on-line resource that I have come across recently. I have stumbled upon quite a few others so I will share those in future posts as well. What is ravelry.com? Ravelry is a great on-line resource for people interested in all things related to fiber. There are groups you can join where you can comment or start topics of discussion, ask questions just like on the old and familiar tribe.com. You can do a multitude of other things such as explore businesses such as woolery.com. And you can keep track of your projects and track your progress. I haven't explored the site completely yet but I feel more reassured as an independent now that I am on this site. Check it out!
http://www.ravelry.com/
Now onto my big schpeel about how people tend to be afraid of being an Independent anything, especially an artist/craftsperson.
Recently I was a student at NBCCD in Fredericton NB enrolled in the Fibre Arts Program. I never handed anything in late and all of my marks were high. I even put my foot forward to be a student rep for my studio. I had big and long drawn out plans for what I was going to study at the school. Over the semester I pushed myself to do everything. Some days were harder than others. I had been experiencing this for years. Being very soar and tired and sometimes foggy brained enough that even if I really wanted to do a lot in a day, the energy just wasn't there to self motivate and organize a plan of action. This over the years always led to guilt. Of not knowing why symptoms would mysteriously appear with more stress. This wasn't just a little stress. And over the years I have started to notice a pattern developing. Of wanting to do many things but the above happening various times throughout a week. I believed that it was must me but when it got worse I chided myself for being lazy, undetermined, weak etc because anyone would say the same thing. I had blood tests taken years ago when I wanted to know why I was so tired, so thirsty, soar and why I had such a low immune system. I always caught colds. There was a span of time where it was bad enough that I was catching colds almost every week during the winter. At this time I was a student in the YTT program at TAYS in Halifax N.S. It was thoroughly confusing that my yoga practice was not strengthening my immune system and that I was very exhausted after yoga classes and teacher training.
Looking at my life I have seen many phases where I motivated myself to keep up some kind of exercise practice whether it be yoga or dance etc but would be cut short by a low immune system or by being very tired. The pain I experienced physically in all of my jobs and the other symptoms I have had including IBS makes sense. Before I thought it must be what everyone must be experiencing and I am just lazy etc. I had wondered if it was Fibromyalgia but I was never diagnosed. When I had blood tests done they did the regular search for the most obvious illnesses such as a dysfunctioning thyroid. But when they all came back fine there was no more talk about it. It seems like I have always been tired and in some kind of pain in some way. It's never easy to explain or describe to anyone. I always feel silly trying to make the reality of it known but when the words come out it just sounds like I'm making excuses.
One minute something can be very important to me and then the symptoms hit and suddenly it's all in perspective. It has always been that way. Then I get back on the horse with drive self motivation and praying for stamina to keep with it to finally see it fly, whatever it may be. Whether it's dance, music, art.
At school we were coming to the end of the semester and I was noticing that the "home-work" was getting to be more so. I had already been pushing myself through the days and weeks. I needed time to not rush, time to sit and just be, time to do yoga, time to take care of my body. I had been very good at time management because I knew I had to in order to conserve my energy and to be as productive as possible. I did this because I wanted to save myself stress, time and energy. But it was getting so my usual way of managing time and energy wasn't affording me the time I needed. Up until a few weeks ago when I had stronger symptoms come on while I was trying to push myself through to the end of a project I hadn't dared to call it Fibromyalgia. But before the year started I had worried that my energy and muscle pain would get in the way.
That night I went home with my project unfinished crying and feeling defeated. My husband wondering what had happened when I walked through the door. Suddenly everything changed. I couldn't stand not just the pain anymore but going on as if it were normal and expecting myself to just "toughen up" I looked at the courses and realized that I had already learned a lot that I could do on my own. Because after the first semester I would mostly have been on my own anyway because specific courses would be through such as spinning class. That weekend I did two tests on-line and both said I have Fibromyalgia. One was an updated test with the new protocol for diagnosing people who have it. I do not have a family doctor in this province so I did what was accessible to me. I did not believe that if I went to an after hours clinic that I would get a diagnosis or any real treatment.
At school I did pay attention and managed to keep my brain from being foggy but admittedly the pace to which we covered techniques in some of the classes overwhelmed me. And I supplemented my energy with caffeine like everyone does. At the time I didn't remember that people with fibromyalgia can be over stimulated. From what I knew about Fibromyalgia I had trouble applying it to myself that everything I was experiencing was very very similar. It's hard enough to be diagnosed. But for me it has been that I have done a lot to manage my health. Eventhough I decided years ago to treat myself as if I have Fibromyalgia I lacked the process that people have to go through in order to really deal with the illness. Acceptance was sorely missing. Without acceptance you have denial and only partial results. Not really having a complete understanding that yes this is not normal and this is why it's happening and this is what you need to continuously need to do about it. Because I have taken care of my health and have done a lot physically I have never healed myself but I have kept myself in a state where my symptoms would not be diagnosed because I was managing them. So fibro which is already a phantom illness is even more so with people who manage it. People find it hard to understand how managing Fibromyalgia is possible with yoga, exercise, sleep and diet but what is even more confusing is that there is never a formula or one size fits all approach for even that one person. Only the person themselves can really say this is how such and such effects me and this is the lifestyle I have to live, no other. From day to day, hour to hour. Time and energy is precious to everyone but even more so for someone experiencing chronic pain. Many things get put into perspective. Suddenly you see the things in your life very clearly that hurt you, drain you, dishonor you, toxify you, and all the things that are a waste of time. Including relationships, goals, belief systems, thoughts etc.
So my decision was to become Independant. I realized it was what I really wanted. To work in my studio and to create my own goals outside of a school structure. At one time I held onto going to school and making high marks and I did. I proved to myself that I could do it and I know that I can handle "the real world" To put things in perspective I know that there are many many people out there who have never stepped one foot inside an art school. And yet they are painters, fibre artists of all kinds. People in another day and age may have not had a school. My husbands grandfather for example would get his own clay at the beach! And he set up his own studio, made successful pottery, learned glazes and kiln firing techniques all without a school and living in a small rural community. And he did it at a time where there was no web-sites, no on-line shopping for books, no networking sites. So that story has been an inspiration to me.
My other reason for this choice is to save money. Though the school has a very good tuition price compared to other schools it is still a few thousand every year. So that was my other reason. I did not want to get more student loans. It is a viscous cycle where students go to school so they can get skills for trades and or more hireability but then once they are done, they have debts and can't live. And another reason was that though there is a fume hood at the school there are chemicals floating around and though there is a fume hood some people don't use it. It has been found that people with Fibromyalgia are sensitive to chemicals. But really who isn't??? Honestly?
Somehow I believed going to school would give me more credibility. It was like I had made a pact with myself that if I went to school I had more of a right to be an artist and craftsperson. Ahhh there is the guilt again! Some people make the pact with themselves that they will accept a life a poverty as long as they could do what they love and what they were born to do. I didn't see the pact i made with myself at the time but it was a pact. Most artists would say, "You're going to school and following you heart." etc. Most artists would see it as a good thing that your following your dreams. I was but at the same time there was a snag there that had a message tied to it. That I'm only worthy as an artist and craftsperson if I achieved a piece of paper and made high marks. That I wouldn't be "accomplished" without it.
So, aside from leaving art school for my physical health it was also for my health mind and spirit. Since leaving school my mind has achieved a silence, a quiet. Sometimes it gets loud but my priority is my health. My health allows me to make art and to develop my craft. So I have been extra vigilant with creating peace and health for myself. The belief that I am only worthy of being an artist if I have gone to school and made high marks no longer applies. Especially because I did it already. I went to art school and I passed everything in on time and I made high marks. Every artist needs to understand that they are just worthy being who they are and doing what they need to do just because. Just because. No pacts, no deals. That I am an artist and you are an artist whether you or the world likes it or not. Credible with or without training. There are an amazing amount of Outside Artists that create AMAZING work without ever having gone to an art school.
Yes it's scary being an artist in the real world but there are great things about it too.
1. You get to manage your own time!
2. You get to manage and create your own goals!
3. You get to develop new skills at your own pace and in your own way!
4. You get to really spread your wings and let your own unique style fly!
5. You get to see that there are a multitude of resources out there for Independents and so you are not so very alone after all.
6. You get to do and develop the skills that really matter to you rather than wasting your time and energy to fulfill a credit requirement to achieve a piece of paper!
7. You get to see that you can do it outside of school!
8. The work feeds you rather than it being a chore to achieve marks, piece of paper or to please a teacher and or parents etc
What it really boils down to is this.
Your time and energy is precious
You are a worthwhile human being worthy of love and respect with or without marks, education, money, job etc
Artists are master creators and the true masters create new rules, discard them, make new ones, ignore other ones all the time! Make the rules that create the masterpiece life!
Health, Peace, and Well Being are every living beings birthright!
My studio isn't complete but I have things to work with. I have brushes, paper, canvases, watercolors and acrylics plus texture paste, modelling paste and gesso. I have a spinning wheel but it isn't up and running. I need a few parts. I also need buckets and I need a hot plate for dyeing wool.
In the future I will be posting my practices and their results on here.
My goal is this. 10-6 am sleep
Followed by breakfast, shower/bath, meditation/chant
And then followed by a variation/ some kind of combination of a style of yoga, bellydance, zumba, pilates, tai chi, qi gong( not all in one day!)
Then rest with book
Sketching or spinning or dyeing or weaving.
Walk
Supper at 5pm
Read or hang out with friends, etc
I am hoping that by creating a balance in physical activity and health that I will achieve this productive schedule which looks pretty damn good!
My New Years Resolution before the New Year begins!
I will continue to write about Fibromyalgia and how it affects me as an artist/craftsperson as well as the things that I have found to work and the books I have found to be helpful.
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