The Power of Listening To Yourself

It has been awhile since I wrote last. Few blog writers write every single day. The past month has been a lot of change. Not just outer but more inner.

It was very hard for me to let go of old ideas for a long time. Ideas that I had put a lot of thought and energy into. One of those things was the idea of being an independent craftsperson whether as a fibre artist or ceramic. It is true that I could do either of those things and do well with them if I had the space and the money for start up costs. Some may think that my letting it go is a result of a "creative block" But I'm not so sure it is.

Instead I see it as having been a distraction and creative block to what has always been most important to me. A dream that has never gone away. I've stamped on it for over a decade and tried willfully to bring it to life over the years. I tried to channel my creativity, talent and intelligence into a craft or crafts that would be more practical where it had more chance of being something I could make some kind of living at. But it was a distraction. A huge distraction. And I added more and more ideas believing I had to in order to make a living as a craftsperson rather than focusing on one. But I never knew how I would ever have enough time to develop any of them if they were all being diluted by each other. Being in the financial situation I am in my choice was to let go of my knitting machine and loom plus wool and other supplies I had gathered. But it was never in my mind to sell either of my guitars. I barely considered selling my keyboard.

And there you have it. The dream that I have always had and would never let go of no matter how much I tried to distract myself or to channel the creative energy I have into something else. I read Julia Cameron's books The Artist Way and while I agree with letting yourself be free and believe you can do whatever you want to I believe in editing. I believe in being committed to what you love the most and sticking with it to see it through. I believe in being realistic about our time and energy. That it takes incredible amounts of time and energy to see anything of your own fly. Anything of your own, meaning, your specific talent and passion.

We live in a society where more is better. And not only that but we all want to be major egg heads knowing everything and being able to do everything. But this comes at a cost that we normally don't see. The cost is that everything we do is diluted. Which means that our special creative energies and talents, our passion and humanity is diluted in the process of being all things to all people. A multi functional robot that can pride itself on being more capable in every way than all of the Joneses.The thing is that it isn't very intelligent to dilute your intelligence across the spectrum. There is only so many hours in the day. There is only so much energy that you have. There are your relationships, friends, family, significant other. There is money to think about to. If your going into debt not just because you love learning but because your not happy with yourself as you are making something work over the long term then that is a problem. More skills, more tricks up the sleeve. We chronically believe nothing is ever enough.

My other reasons for stamping on my dream of being a musician and painter for years was that my favorite musicians and artists all came to a horrible and terrifying end. I am not them but yet I could see myself in them because I could relate to their lyrics, their expression, the emotion behind their voice and art form. I always thought that if I followed my dream that it would mean going into a crazy world and not coming out alive. So I did everything to avoid it. I took on other dreams and goals and I tried on different spiritual belief systems But now I'm at ground zero. Right where I started in the beginning and it's not such a bad place when on you know that ground zero is about authenticity. Sometimes it takes a lot of hardship to get you face to face with yourself, your roots and what you are really about. To finally drop the trying on everything for size. This month I gave up those spiritual disciplines I had taken on to save myself from the ugly and horrific places I came from. They separated me from associating myself from where I came from but at the same time they didn't help me to achieve yoga or unity with myself. I became fragmented and spreading my energy out over many choices and ideas. I gave up Buddhism, Sikhism and Hindu ideas. There are some things that remain. I still believe in vinyasa yoga, restorative yoga, gentle yoga, meditation and there are still parts of me that will always relate to Buddhism, Sikhism and the Hindu Faith. . A lot of it felt like things I 'should' be doing. And that if I didn't then I'd be a lost soul. But I always believed that God doesn't really care whether or not you let your hair grow or shave it off. God/Goddess doesn't even take it personally if you don't believe in God/Goddess.

I'm back with my roots. Music, poetry, painting and wicca/shamanism.

Every artist of any kind has to learn to say these words.

I'm me and there's nothing wrong with that.

Finding Time and Balance as a Multi Disciplined Artist

I try to create time for my other muses that have been with me for years. Yoga, dance, music, painting and poetry are among them. Some weeks are not as successful as others for making time for them. It's an ongoing process and I take what I learned working at Winners in my early 20s to save time. Their strategy was to do actions that are similar at once to save on time. This is why when I am at school I take lunches and leave some for supper so that I can stay and do my school work. This effectively frees up some time for me on the weekend. Usually I have something that needs to be done that only needs a computer like research, doing up a document or making a blog entry. It's not just important to practice but important to have forms of inspiration such as books or taking time to study vlogs on youtube about abstract painting.

Today I was skimming through a book called The Everything Writing Poetry Book and there was a couple of passages that were particularly interesting near the beginning on pages 12-14.

I enjoy the section talking about allowing time for ideas to develop as a way of building stronger images and concepts.
Then it goes on to talk about Freudian and Jungian Psychology and the process that a poet has to go through of balancing the super egos expectations with the ids needs.
The superego symbolizes customs, rules, and laws that are handed down to us by parents, teachers and societies at large. The id represents our survival needs including the need to be authentic and express our innermost selves.
I reflected that any artist of any kind or any person would do well to find a balance between these elements. They are both needed and necessary but one over the other creates imbalance.
It's important to listen and take advice from mentors, teachers, parents etc but it is also wise to take those words with a grain of salt because another persons point of view is simply that. It is "their" point of view and more often than not exists inside a box, a vacuum.
All visionaries in history questioned the status quo and butted heads with people who considered themselves to be masters in their field. Later on though the small artists who rocked the boat went down in history as making a major impact on how our culture grew to be what it is in the present.
Just imagine what kind of culture we would have if every single artist of every kind did nothing but lap at their teachers and parents feet for approval. Nothing new would result, nothing genuine with integrity. The culture as a result would not grow. There are artists that whether the teacher, parents or society likes it or not will stand behind their vision and keep expressing as well as marketing it as a gem of importance.
After awhile people stroke their chins and say "Oh I see...."
I love learning new techniques and I am also in awe of learning how people throughout history had done things. But every artist has a voice inside that speaks to them of how it is to be done. And sometimes it hasn't been done before. Sometimes it's similar enough to what has been done that it's readily accepted.
Everyone has their biased opinions and preferences. A person can insist that their opinions are not opinions but an educated fact.
In my opinion they are still working through their own particular filter of perception. Something in their lives said "This is what is most important in art history and these are the best techniques, and this is the best form of art." The person has developed an opinion. They may not call it such simply because they have academia in a specific sector to back them up. A person across the world no less educated or practiced most likely has a completely different "opinion" and approach.
And that is after all what art is about. It is about the artists vision, unique form of expression and developing their own perception rather than that of others. The definition of an artist is not someone who does things to make other people happy. They do not busy themselves running around doing what everyone has told them to do because their way is the best and right way.
Artists evolve culture by expressing the current form of evolution that they inhabit.

What I Actually Do and What I Actually Did Sept.15th 2013

                   Today I am reading Collector's Edition Emily Dickinson Selected Poetry.

What I enjoy about her writing is that she ventures into mystical subjects such as the reality of having a spirit or the process of reincarnation. I also enjoy that she animates nature and explores nature as having an identity and life of it's own. Her vision is wide and far reaching, able to see even tree from multiple viewpoints from a farmer to a squirrel.

At NBCCD in the college store there was a big, lined and hard covered journaling book that was catching my eye and just calling me. I finally bought it even though it's price was up there and though I had a smaller and cheaper poetry writing book. But as I write in my new poetry book the experience is different. It feels more sacred and special. Having such a book to write in is a great luxury so the money spent was well worth it. Here are the first two poems written in my new hard covered poetry writing book.

Whispers Of A Ghost

In the distance I saw him

There he stood on the empty highway, like a ghost in the trees

Mist passing between us as I watched his dark form approach 

Whispering to me,
 I heard him from across the expanse.

"Great dreams fly. Great dreams are born and never die."  

Sept.13th 2013

Blossoms In The Mire

Blossoms In the Mire

Sunlight in the trees

Fore site bridges the expanse 

Cross the stormy seas

A lamp lit in the window

And whispers in the night

A story taken out from under me

A living nightmare of fright

I live with encourage able hauntings 

Strangled reality dreams

 I struggle to voice louder 

Over these bloody scenes

Screams of lonlieness

And yellow sickness 

that threaten to follow me

The past a bog

The future nowhere

The present is all I see

The damaged goods of a nonperishable spirit

Are carried on

Into the Strength of Eternity

I Am The Blossom In The Mire

Sept. 15, 2013

Home

Corded muscles sway in the breeze neath the summer sun
Green fabric ripples and shimmers in the dance
Birds collect their echoing chorus to deliver onto generations
Strong and tall, ever standing
Red,yellow,orange,brown percolates down to the ground
The darkened grey, an autumn spray
The spirits dance neath the Blood Moon
Sparkled white glows blue in the night
Crunch and crackle the snow on the way to the cafe
Heady aroma filtering into my blood and bones
Soup warmth envelopes me
Everywhere is Home


Siobhan Russell March 2013