It was very hard for me to let go of old ideas for a long time. Ideas that I had put a lot of thought and energy into. One of those things was the idea of being an independent craftsperson whether as a fibre artist or ceramic. It is true that I could do either of those things and do well with them if I had the space and the money for start up costs. Some may think that my letting it go is a result of a "creative block" But I'm not so sure it is.
Instead I see it as having been a distraction and creative block to what has always been most important to me. A dream that has never gone away. I've stamped on it for over a decade and tried willfully to bring it to life over the years. I tried to channel my creativity, talent and intelligence into a craft or crafts that would be more practical where it had more chance of being something I could make some kind of living at. But it was a distraction. A huge distraction. And I added more and more ideas believing I had to in order to make a living as a craftsperson rather than focusing on one. But I never knew how I would ever have enough time to develop any of them if they were all being diluted by each other. Being in the financial situation I am in my choice was to let go of my knitting machine and loom plus wool and other supplies I had gathered. But it was never in my mind to sell either of my guitars. I barely considered selling my keyboard.
And there you have it. The dream that I have always had and would never let go of no matter how much I tried to distract myself or to channel the creative energy I have into something else. I read Julia Cameron's books The Artist Way and while I agree with letting yourself be free and believe you can do whatever you want to I believe in editing. I believe in being committed to what you love the most and sticking with it to see it through. I believe in being realistic about our time and energy. That it takes incredible amounts of time and energy to see anything of your own fly. Anything of your own, meaning, your specific talent and passion.
We live in a society where more is better. And not only that but we all want to be major egg heads knowing everything and being able to do everything. But this comes at a cost that we normally don't see. The cost is that everything we do is diluted. Which means that our special creative energies and talents, our passion and humanity is diluted in the process of being all things to all people. A multi functional robot that can pride itself on being more capable in every way than all of the Joneses.The thing is that it isn't very intelligent to dilute your intelligence across the spectrum. There is only so many hours in the day. There is only so much energy that you have. There are your relationships, friends, family, significant other. There is money to think about to. If your going into debt not just because you love learning but because your not happy with yourself as you are making something work over the long term then that is a problem. More skills, more tricks up the sleeve. We chronically believe nothing is ever enough.
My other reasons for stamping on my dream of being a musician and painter for years was that my favorite musicians and artists all came to a horrible and terrifying end. I am not them but yet I could see myself in them because I could relate to their lyrics, their expression, the emotion behind their voice and art form. I always thought that if I followed my dream that it would mean going into a crazy world and not coming out alive. So I did everything to avoid it. I took on other dreams and goals and I tried on different spiritual belief systems But now I'm at ground zero. Right where I started in the beginning and it's not such a bad place when on you know that ground zero is about authenticity. Sometimes it takes a lot of hardship to get you face to face with yourself, your roots and what you are really about. To finally drop the trying on everything for size. This month I gave up those spiritual disciplines I had taken on to save myself from the ugly and horrific places I came from. They separated me from associating myself from where I came from but at the same time they didn't help me to achieve yoga or unity with myself. I became fragmented and spreading my energy out over many choices and ideas. I gave up Buddhism, Sikhism and Hindu ideas. There are some things that remain. I still believe in vinyasa yoga, restorative yoga, gentle yoga, meditation and there are still parts of me that will always relate to Buddhism, Sikhism and the Hindu Faith. . A lot of it felt like things I 'should' be doing. And that if I didn't then I'd be a lost soul. But I always believed that God doesn't really care whether or not you let your hair grow or shave it off. God/Goddess doesn't even take it personally if you don't believe in God/Goddess.
I'm back with my roots. Music, poetry, painting and wicca/shamanism.
Every artist of any kind has to learn to say these words.
I'm me and there's nothing wrong with that.
