Even if you have never dared call yourself an artist but have had aspirations to be one then you know what I mean. The anxiety that can suddenly hit you full force like a tidal wave changes your entire life. Suddenly your making choices to back pedal out and away from an artistic choice you made for something more respectable and valued to take it's place.
I woke this morning feeling such anxiety. Sometimes it's the first thought you wake up with. Before you know it, the day you planned, the life you chose is being uprooted. Your heart tightens, you feel tiny and closed up when the day before you felt open and free. You felt "allowed" and now you have an unspoken belief that if you follow your nose it will only get you into trouble. That you had better go to school and take a career that has nothing to do with art or craft.
"But you can do art in your spare time and have a safer income to support you." you say. This is working under the assumption that art and craft does not need a lot of time or work. Some people might be happy working this way and some people might have to work this way for survival rather than doing their art full time.
But what about the rare artist/craftsperson who actually doesn't have to? The rare artist who can afford to commit full time to doing their work rather than taking on a cumbersome career that would clutter their time, taking up too much space. Sometimes even this rare artist who is supported financially is afraid and ready to dodge the consequences of the artistic life they shouldn't have chosen. What should an artist in this position do then? Should they believe their fears for being a premonition? Should they believe that what they choose will not only lead to nowhere but to ruin? Should this artist allow themselves to think so much? Could this artist trust that everything is ok? That everything is safe for them to get on with it and to keep on getting on with it?
Few artists have the luxury of financial support from an external source but those who do feel guilty and ashamed. Poverty is a real and valid fear especially for an artist that grew up with it deep poverty. Any artist, no matter the situation is faced with the prospect of doing it anyway. An artist only gets somewhere by following there nose but to follow our nose we cannot ever know what is distant and far ahead. We only know what is here and now, that is what we have to work with. An artist can look ahead and plan but the nature of this kind of career is that it's not foreseeable. Every artist has different goals and many will not reach them, but we may reach some or at least one.
We get into trouble when we think too much on the future and yet we get into trouble when we don't think about the future at all. Any artist that made it anywhere just did it anyway. It can seem to be the most terrifying thing to do, to just do it anyway. An artist that is productive throws caution to the wind and does it because they know who they are and that they are meant to do this work and no other. They also know that forcing themselves to do something else will never work.
So called safe careers and paths can cost a lot. A person will ramp up more debt and possibly have to move to another city, province/state, sometimes country. When looking at safe careers in this way it's not so safe. Many careers are unstable and many cost money to get into or to stay in. The cost of a few paints and canvas looks extremely small in comparison.
So, if your hit with this kind of anxiety, the artist's anxiety what do you do? Hopefully you'll be able to get yourself to a point where you feel like your breathing and not about to lose everything. You may need to sit, to think, to write, to walk, to be quiet, drink tea, share your thoughts with a trusted friend. It may take a few hours and depending on you and the strength of your fear it may come back. Hopefully it will be managed to a point where there will be no more back pedaling. When you can simply allow yourself the luxury of getting on with it.
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